Motherhood has been hard this week, super hard. In fact it has been a lot lately and I’ve been more than eternally grateful for my squad, my team of friends who’ve just held me up and been there when I’ve needed it. Whether it be some reassurance, daffodils and ice lollies at and afternoon play date or a frank conversation opened with the sentences, “what are we going to do about little P?”
It’s not often I turn to blogging for advice, usually it’s my means of processing my own thoughts and coming to a conclusion but at the moment other than riding the wave I don’t know what else to do. Little P is an unsettled little bunny and it’s hurting us both.
My gut feeling is that a lot of it is to do with lockdown and the covid restrictions and the impact the ever changing picture has had on her. I know she’s only 3 but still, things have been different and a strain for her too, she’s missed her friends, she misses our mummy and P coffee dates in a cafe, she misses soft play (I seriously don’t) and Eureka trips. She misses life. Needless to say she’s also had the pandemic to deal with whilst also starting a new pre-school, big grown up big girl ballet classes (which have opened and closed numerous times) and various other things. She’s reacting to change…I think. I don’t know, I’m guessing because despite her being very articulate she’s not able to tell me what’s bothering her. But she’s not herself.
Nursery drop offs are hard work, they’re emotional and she’s struggling. She’s definitely got some separation anxiety and is spending the journey’s to these things telling me whether or not she might cry for me whilst I’m gone (cue mum guilt hitting me like a sharp dagger through my heart) or crying that she doesn’t want to go even though she has a whale of a time when there. She’s struggling with sleeping, trotting into my bedroom in the middle of the night to get in for a snuggle or asking not to be left alone. Things are just not right in the wonderful world of little miss P.
It’s so hard as well, striking the balance between being nurturing and supportive whilst being firm and imposing boundaries. I’ve had a day today where two good friends have had a good natter with me about what I could do. One suggesting rewards charts but between us we’ve both suggested that, that isn’t a good idea seen as its genuine upset and not a tantrum, I mean do I really want to reward her for not showing what is a normal emotion? As much as I don’t want her upset, I also don’t want her to think that being genuinely upset about something and expressing that emotion is a bad thing.
I think what makes the situation harder is that actually she’s a tough cookie. She’s as hard as nails, stronger than I’ve ever been. She’s also smart, she’s switched on and intuitive and can sense when there’s something off. She knows. And I know when she doesn’t feel right, when there’s something not right. And I’m feeling in now. There’s something off, there’s something or someone that’s bothered her and I’ve yet to put my finger on what it is, but I know there’s something and I’ll get to the bottom of it eventually. Which is something else my friend and I deduced today.
The thing is she’s also just like me. We’re peas in a pod and I went through a similar phase, albeit a little older. I struggled to settle at school, I cried for my mum not to leave me at ballet class (oh how times soon changed) and didn’t like attending anything really. So it’s history repeating itself and I know it will come right. She’ll overcome this hurdle I know, I just wish I knew how to help and for us to ride this wave sooner rather than later.
My little one is not a happy bunny right now, so I’m having to cuddle her a little night tighter, hold her a little closer and hope she remembers how very very loved she is.