Someone laughed at me this weekend for liking spoilers. Most people hate them don’t they? Spoilers, you know that whole, “don’t tell me I’ve not seen it yet!!!” My friend’s husband went to uni with us and if he couldn’t watch the Liverpool match he’d turn off his phone and all social media etc to prevent finding out the score until he could watch it. Most people hate them. Not me. I love a spoiler, I can’t stand the suspense or wait and not knowing of something.

Truth is that a main reason is because I’m a nosey bitch!! It’s also because it’s just easier isn’t it? I’ve never been good at knowing things, don’t ever tell me I’m being surprised, I hate surprises, I HAVE to know and will grind you down until you tell me what you’re surprising me with. I just can’t take the excitement! I hate not knowing.

It’s more than that though isn’t it? I once read that re-watching tv series and films is a sign of anxiety because people find comfort in knowing what’s going to happen. It hit a nerve, when I’m in a bad place, when I’m struggling with something, I re-watch some of my favourites, I have a couple of go toos. Some tried and tested, ride or dies of my Netflix watch list that I watch over and over again (I mean have you seen Michael Schofield and Lincoln Burrows in Prison Break??) when I just can’t settle and concentrate on anything else.

Now I wouldn’t say I have anxiety, but it obviously comforts me at times when things feel a bit much and overwhelming. Like a return to a place of comfort. Isn’t that normal and natural too? You know as a child when you felt poorly you cried for that one person, little P does it, she’s upset or poorly and she wants me. Mummy. I’m her re-watch. We all have the things and people that we return to for comfort, the safe space, place, routine and people when needed.

It’s not just that though is it? Spoilers are about the not knowing. The waiting for a result, goal, outcome or whatever. I struggle with that because I’m an over thinker. I loved playing with a magical 8 ball as a kid. I like the idea of knowing what’s going to happen. Being a teacher doesn’t help, in the words of a dance mum at the weekend, “teacher’s as the ultimate planners” and we are, we plan a lesson with an additional set of plans for “if they don’t get it, I’ll do this instead” we plan for our planning. Which is ironic because I like to think of myself as spontaneous outside of my profession (planned spontaneity that is…)I

t’s also about control really isn’t it? If I’m really honest it’s about self preservation as well. The better planned you are, the more spoilers I can have the more control I can have over making sure the outcome doesn’t upset me. Life’s not like that though is it? You cannot predict everything or google for a quick Wikipedia spoiler. You have to watch, wait and see. It’s not always that ways though is it? I’ve had a lot of testing situations in work over the last 6 months, challenging exams for the students, interviews, presentations and I’ve sometimes over thought and over worried about them, wishing I could have a spoiler. But what did worrying achieve and what would having a spoiler have changed? Knowing what’s going to happen in a film or tv programme doesn’t change what actually happens in it and it’d be the same in life. So what’s the use in worrying? Cue Poppa M singing Bobby McFerrin…

In short, I have had to learn to control my overthinking, temper my nerves and accept that, yes I can have all the spoilers I need for Greys Anatomy and Virgin River (please tell me it’s Jack’s baby!!!!) but I’ve got to just enjoy rolling with the punches in real life, the radio times, digital spy or any other trashy mag can’t give me a pre-episode spoiler!