It’s been a while since I last wrote anything and truth be known I’ve probably needed to but my life has been a bit of a whirlwind. Just over a month ago I was faced with the anniversary of losing Dad but this was simultaneously eased and magnified by the excited/anxious wait for the arrival of my first child-a beautiful daughter.
Preparing for the arrival of my dear daughter to the edge off grieving for Dad, having a child of my own changed my perspective but it also made it harder. I’d seen my Dad be overjoyed and proud of my nephews, teaching little L to take his first steps and even if only for a week he cooed over dainty O as a newborn and I know I’ll never get that. As I happy as I’ve always been for my brother I can help feel a pang of jealousy that he was able to show off his pride and joy to Dad and see Dad’s tearful pride at his grandsons. I just have take comfort in the knowledge that his reaction would’ve been the same to his first grand daughter.
I don’t think I allowed myself the time to take stock of my feelings at the anniversary, I’ve always been a sensitive person and losing my Dad so suddenly hit me hard. There was so much going on this summer, my baby was showing no sign of joining us at my due date (which was the anniversary of Dad’s funeral) and I was very big, tired, hot and ready to have baby and get some element of my body back! Even though I know my Dad would say all the wrong things and probably whined me up even more at a stressful time, I needed it, I missed his lack of tact or inappropriate jokes, I needed that outlet of my Dad to talk to and complain to about the trivial but annoying tribulations of being 9 months pregnant.
In addition, this was all also compounded by the fact that u had a dissertation to finish writing for a masters, one that was meant to be completed the year before but was deferred after Dad passed away. A lot to take on all at once. For all it’s a lot to take on, I just had to do it, for the sake of myself and my unborn child, I had to crack on and not get too upset, stress is no good for baby and my perspective had changed, my priorities a year later had changed, my grieving process involved caring and preparing for the arrival of my newborn and enjoying the build up.
As I’m writing this I’m seeing this blog evolve from just being about learning to cope with grief for Dad but actually become about learning to cope with major changes, life’s hurdles and becoming a mum for the first time, I think this is because actually that’s what learning to cope without my Dad is, it’s learning to cope with every joyous occasion, event, milestone, hurdle and life in general without him. Life happen and goes on but it’s now without him and I’ve lots of new things to learn to deal with, at the moment it’s night feeds, explosive nappies and baby weigh ins and sleepy snuggle, all of which I want to share with him. As much as everyone says he’s here smiling down and is experiencing it and sharing it, but it’s not the same and never will be. My daughter will never know him but only my stories and memories of him.
So I’ll continue to blog, it’s helpful, I like taking stock of my thoughts and feelings but I see my perspective changing as I look at life as a new mum but without Poppa M
P.S. Baby P is beautiful, you’d have loved her Poppa M and wouldn’t have been able to tear yourself away from her, I know you’d have been the doting Grandad xxx