Some people are just meant to be in your life aren’t they? I mean most of my squad are most definitely lifelong friends and also bizarrely connected to me through many ways, I mean my bestie has grown up with me and no matter how our lives have drifted we always end up back together again. Well the same can be said for a friend I caught up with at the weekend, we’ve not seen each other for ages so the play date and natter was long over due. As well as it being a good long over due catch up, she reminded me of some important lessons I’ve learned over recent years, one’s that I need reminding of.
She has a good outlook on life and like me has faced some challenges, she’s overcome a lot, not necessarily the same things as me but still, things that make and shape the person she is today. We were chatting about these different things we’ve both had to face and how we’re managing and as if right on cue, like she or the universe knew I needed this reminder in my life, she summed up something so simply. You see we were gossiping about my dating life again…
As we giggled about my poor dating escapades I told her about how I was always still giving it a go and seeing who I could meet. I mentioned how I’d recently re-signed up to a dating app and instantly had two different previous chaps I’d been on dates with, like my profile. Now to be honest when each of these situationships had run their course I’d accepted that they weren’t the type of guy I was looking for, on each separate occasion they were wanting different things to me and it just didn’t work out, we weren’t compatible. If I’m honest despite the fact I’d not had the conversation with either guy, I’d thought they’d felt the same, hence the fizzle out. Of course though curiosity killed the cat and despite me thinking, “nah they can’t really be wanting to go there again and be interested” I still liked back and struck up a texting convo. Didn’t take long for me to realise though that actually things hadn’t changed and me and both blokes were just not either one is looking for. Both for very different reasons and no offence taken from me by either of them, they weren’t rude or nasty, just well not my cup of tea and brutal honesty me not theirs either. Or are they?
And that’s where mine and my friend’s conversation went. I was saying to her how I keep seeming to be attracted to the same kind of bloke but it never does me any good in the long run. Now I’ve not had anyone treat me like my ex-husband and I’m not accusing any bloke I’ve since dated of anything untoward at all, but they’ve also not been good for me. They’ve not brought out the best in me or I’ve wound up not feeling good about myself during our dating period.
I went onto tell her about some more recent dates and particularly a guy I’ve most recently been out with. I said how he and some of the others were so charming, gentlemanly and that I actually couldn’t really pick fault with them but that I just couldn’t put finger on what it was, I just felt like they weren’t for me. I’d made excuses calling them too nice or boring or other daft things. Yet actually they were probably better for me that the guys I wanted to see again and felt more attracted to. Like I said she summed it up in one sentence, “your brain is conditioned for you to return to what you know you can survive, even though you might know it’s no good for you, you’ll keep going back to the same kind of relationship because it subconsciously feels safer”
She’s right. Now I’m not accusing any of the men that I’ve dated who I’ve stated as being no good for me, of being abusers, I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying though is that their behaviour or their wants for the relationship or something else, lead to feelings and situations that I didn’t like. That weren’t for me and brought out inner negative emotions, lowered myself esteem and just weren’t really what I’d want out of a relationship. Like I said, none did anything wrong at all but potentially down the line I reckon I could’ve had my heartbroken if I’d let things continue. Yet I still kept going for a time or went for another bloke of a similar nature. All because I was allowing myself to be conditioned to that. We both agreed it’s time I broke the cycle and actually gave the Mr Too Nice a bit more of a chance (hence why I’m actually giving date number 2, 3 and 4 with him ago, massive step for me going beyond date 1) and that actually the real reason I’m dying they’re not right for me is a subconscious fear of something different. So it’s time to re-wire that brain and thinking, it’s re-conditioning time.
You see, you cannot keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome and yet I am! So Little Miss One Date Wonder I am no more, it’s time to give at least date number 2 ago, maybe even 3 and 4 because what have a got to lose other than the cost of parking, a cinema ticket or glass of wine? Maybe not even them if Mr Nice Guy pays.
Another very good friend awhile back during an awesome coffee and cake date, reminded me of another important lesson. Life will keep bringing you the same message until you learn the lesson you need to. I keep being attracted to guys that are no good for my emotional well being because I’m not yet learning the lesson of trying something different. They’re only no good for my emotional well being because I allow them to be, I’m enabling the situation by going back to it. So maybe those two re-likes on the dating app were another reminder of the lesson I need to learn for myself.
When times get tough remember those two lessons, that you’ll keep going back to what you know you can survive but that also life will keep giving you the same things until you learn the lessons you need to. So push through, think hard, reflect and remember that you can make the changes you need, you can re-condition yourself and take control whenever you need to.
Like I said, some people are just meant to be in your life, whether for a moment or a lifetime because they nearly always remind you of or teach you a lesson you need to learn. I enjoyed my play date catch up at the weekend, it reminded me of some important life lessons learned. Now, onto planning date number 2!