It’s been a funny year hasn’t it and I’ve not written for a long while. Why? Well because I’ve been very up and down recently and I’m not sure I’ve known how to process things. So here I am, back at my old faithful trying to work out how to get out of the funk I’m in. The funk that if I’m honest, I’m not quite sure how I got into in the first place.
You see things have now returned to almost normal, just what we’ve all longed for, but I’m just not quite sure it’s what we imagined or that the transition back to normal has been as easy and straight forward as we imagined. 18months is a long time and during that time we adjusted to the measures in place, I’m not saying we enjoyed them but we got used to them. It was routine. So returning to how things were is taking sometime. We’ve to make it routine again, we’ve to grow accustomed to it and I guess it’s just not what we thought. Everyone talked about the street parties and hugs and celebrations we’d have when “all this is over” but actually it’s not really been that has it? It’s been approached with caution, nerves and uncertainty. I remember seeing a friend for the first time last month and she reached out to hug me and there was this awkward stilted exchanged when normally I’m a very tactile person, but it was just a bit, “do we don’t we?” I didn’t know what to do when pre-covid I’d have thrown my arms around her in a warm caring squeeze.
I don’t think it’s just that either. I think many people have found the return to socialising and greater interaction with people challenging. Some social etiquette, manners and basic human decency has gone a bit out of the window, that’s if it was there in the first place with some! Seriously though, I seriously think that some people have lost some of their social skills and are having to re-learn how to manage themselves in certain situations.
Anyway, back to me (because we all know it’s about me) is this what’s got me stuck in a funk? I don’t know, I’m not sure, I just know that I’m having moments where I’m just finding life a bit overwhelming. I think that’s the best word. Overwhelming but really I’ve no good reason. Yes there’s been some recent challenges, the loss of a close family friend being a big one, one of the brightest, kindest, most hilarious and vibrant people we know and loved has passed and it’s heartbreaking. Losing one of my mum’s closest friends and colleagues, the lady that gave me a right good bollocking when I need it, the lady that always showed immense strength and quite frankly, just told it like it is, is a big loss to us all.
Her funeral was very recent and was everything it needed to be, the warm yet emotional mix of fond memories, inside jokes, special messages and lots of tears. Everyone chuckled, raised and glass and shed tear at the lovely lady and if I’m honest I found it harder than I expected. For several reasons I think, I felt it for myself, for my mum but also M’s family, I saw her children going through the pain I went through 5 years ago. Sounds selfish that doesn’t it and maybe it is, it was the first time I’d set foot in that particular crematorium since my Dad passed away so naturally it brought back a lot of feelings and like I say, I looked on at the family of M and felt their pain and wished there was something I could’ve said or done to help them knowing I couldn’t but the equally it does get easier. I guess what I’m saying is that there was a multitude of emotions surrounding this loss and funeral and I don’t think I expected them or as strongly as I felt them, it caught me a bit off guard.
Then there’s other things, little P has been struck down with a horrible cold and flu bug. That wasn’t easy, mixed with pcr tests, out of hours phone call appointments (because breaking into the Crown Jewels is easier than getting seen by a GP right now) and middle of the night eye bathing to prized open her glued shut lashes, it was tiring and draining. It made a week feel like a month! Again it’s no biggie but it’s that combination of several things isn’t it? It emotionally and mentally drains you and often that’s a harder fatigue to overcome than physical.
Then there’s the issue of being stuck in a funk. I’ve been so fed up I’ve been fed up with myself feeling fed up!! I mean says something when even you’re annoyed with your own grumpiness! What’s made it harder is that really there’s no real reason for it, it’s not a major depression or anxiety that needs a trip to the drs or to natter with a counsellor. It’s not a particular something that’s bothered me, although I’ve projected it onto things in a bid to find a solution (I’m good at that) I’ve just been feeling a bit, well “meh” hence why I’ve coined the phrase, “stuck in a funk.” I’m confident we all get stuck in one from time to time too.
Getting stuck in a funk makes stuff difficult too, I find I don’t accomplish as much as I’d like, for example going to dancing or going running don’t have their usual endorphin releasing positivity and in fact sometimes have an adverse effect and leave me feeling more frustrated and pissed off, then it gets into a bit of a vicious cycle. You see, I’m one of those people that likes to think big and aim high, I have grand ideas of achieving lots which is a good thing but what I need to do is learn how to be more pragmatic in processing my thoughts when I don’t achieve all I want at once. Impatience, that’s what my other issue is you see, for example, lockdown arrived and well just like everyone else I took to house DIY projects and thought I’d use the time socially distancing to complete house projects in my spare time. Have I done all I set out to do? Have I balls and I reckon part of my funk is that feeling of failure, because lockdown is over and I’ve not finished all I was going to do. Ridiculous isn’t it? I mean it was a self imposed deadline and an unrealistic one at that, I mean I’m a working single mum who also wants some downtime and to have a life outside of work and DIY projects (I had line of duty and Chicago Med to watch). Most of all, these things I set out to accomplish will still get done and achieved, it’s not that I’m giving up, I’m just taking a bit longer and the only person wanting it is me. Crikey I’m hard on myself aren’t I?
So maybe I’m stuck in a funk because well things have quite frankly been challenging and draining and that actually I need to learnt to cut myself some slack and stop holding myself unnecessarily to account for things that are first world problems and ultimately for my own personal gratification.
Stuck in funk? Nah, I’m just being my own worst enemy for change, time to take a chill and go a little easier on myself I reckon.