Warning, this post is not for the faint hearted…
I dumped yet another potential bachelor recently, or should I say I just let go, politely turned down and no longer contacted, I don’t think you can quite call it dumping when it’s never really got off the ground. Anyway, following it and a few people that have heard and laughed at my funny dating stories of late and have asked for this post, I’ve started writing. So here it is, warts, dick pics and all! Yes that’s right, the joys, trials and tribulations of my on and offline dating experience do also include pics of men’s genitals…why oh why do some feel the need to do that to a stranger? I mean seriously and in the words of my best friend, “I mean, they’re not even nice to look at!” But don’t worry that’s as much as I’m going to share on that! It’s been a firm no followed by a swift block from me.
In reality this post isn’t going to delve to much into the ins and outs and specifics of my horrendous and hilarious dates, as much as some of it’s funny and makes for good brunch date chat with the girls, it’s not fair or kind to declare criticisms of these men online…even if some could do with the tips, somethings are just not to be shared!
What I really want to talk about is actually how it feels and what people may really be looking for, mainly because I’m not quite sure what I am or even in fact if I’m looking for anything. I keep toying and flitting between wanting to meet someone to then deciding that actually it’s too much hassle and that I don’t have the time, space or energy for someone in my life and that really I’m quite happy with how it is. However, do I say that because ultimately I feel like I can’t find someone good enough?
Whoa, that sounds pretty egotistical and big headed doesn’t it? But it’s kind of true, I’m finding it hard to find a bloke that sparks enough interest from me to actually keep something going and sustained. I’m a lot of the time more attracted to the idea of something with someone than I am the guy himself. And actually once I get beyond that and look at them, there’s not much compatibility there at all. As one of my closest friends said to me a few weeks ago, my life is pretty full, I’ve an amazing set up with little P, a career I’m so passionate about, hobbies that I love just as much and a friendship network some would give their right arm for, there’s little room for more so it’s got to be someone pretty damn good that makes me adapt and compromise these things for (and someone that doesn’t send me unsolicited nudes).
Now I’m not necessarily giving up completely but as me and a good friend were saying today, it’s got to be someone worthwhile because if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. I’m not in a rush to meet anyone but dating since my divorce has taught me that you also shouldn’t waste time on the wrong guy. There’s no need to rush, but move the losers out of the way to move one guy closer to Mr Right. I’ve also learnt that it’s about balance, no ones perfect, myself included but there’s a difference between a fault or a weakness and a red flag and it’s up to you what you feel you can embrace (bad taste in music or films and terrible chit chat Abs conversation) and what is a deal breaker (reliant on mummy to still do everything for them and overbearing controlling tendencies- I want a man not another child to look after or boss to tell me what to do). Neither are better or worse than the other they each depend on what you personally are happy to embrace and what you will have zero tolerance for, it’s each to their own.
I’m also not really a fan of the whole online thing. It just makes it seem like there’s slim pickings out there and that it’s all a bit forced and false. Yet I seem to keep trying. But it just feels wrong, I wrote about it before after a terrible bad shoe, junkyard golf date (I still don’t get how you make that boring but this guy did) but then Boris shut the world down and my plan of getting out there and meeting someone through natural means went out the global pandemic window. So then I found myself back to swiping, sneaking home pretending the babysitter had to leave early when a date was bad, blocking idiots and getting lost with who I was matched with and chatting to. I mean I can’t complain, I’ve not been short of offers but none of them have felt well, right.
The thing is that again it boils down to compatibility and timing, right person wrong time etc. It’s all about what people are looking for and wanting, quite clearly some just want a fling or some saucy messages, some just want a penpal, then some want to move and put a ring in your finger before you’ve ordered the next round (ok slight exaggeration but recently one was very full on very quickly). It’s all about what you both want, like about each other and whether you’re both at the right time in your lives for it and at the moment I’ve been on dates with men that don’t make me feel like we’re on similar pages…not that I’m entirely sure what page I’m on. I guess I’m also quite selfish, I don’t want to give up a lot of what’s in my life currently…and why should I? I’m beginning to get called the one date wonder by the mothership again, it’s a nickname she coined for me in my pre-marriage days where every bloke only ever lasted one date, if they were lucky! I guess I’m just fussy and fickle, as well as wary of pursuing something because like I said the idea of it seems nice but maybe the guy actually isn’t the right one.
I’ve also a new motto, if it’s not fun I’m not doing it. Dating shouldn’t be hard work, it should be spontaneous, it should be fun, it should be a laugh and recently with several (in fact all) it’s not been, it’s been tedious and tiring and I don’t need that, I’m not a tedious or tiring person, I was called colourful today and after taking that compliment I realised that yes, it is about compatibility. And the blokes I’ve dated so far haven’t been colourful…they’ve been a bit more monochrome…or downright grey…and that’s just not me.
A taxi driver on the way from a date recently said to me, “don’t worry you’ll meet someone one day” and I just thought, “I’m not worried” because well I’m not, at times I was but actually I’m not, I’m quite happy on my own, more than quite, but it also might be nice to have someone enhance my happiness. This got me thinking and I realised that actually, maybe my problem is that other people make me feel like I should want and be on the hunt to meet someone. That it’s wrong for me to be happy living on my own with little P, that it’s wrong for me to not actively seek the companionship of a man to make me happy. When in actual fact, it’s up to me to make me happy, meeting a bloke could possible enhance that, but it shouldn’t be essential to it…that’s the fatal mistake I made in my marriage, I relied on someone else to make me happy and then struggled to walk away when they didn’t.
So I’m not giving up on dating altogether, I mean where would Saturday morning breakfasts whilst our daughters dance, be without my tales of snog avoidances, cringeworthy dress sense and inbox banter be? But I’m definitely sticking to the rules of, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no and if it’s not fun I’m not doing it. Because life’s too short and my life as it is, is too precious to waste on a maybe or a just something.