I’ve been finding things difficult lately, let’s face it who hasn’t? This lockdown has been hard, harder than the first, dark cold nights, no socially distant driveway drinks and working from home coffee breaks with the neighbours, no garden to finish and play in, bad weather preventing decent walks and just generally that feeling of, “here we go again, still stuck in this mess!” It’s also meant that me as an over thinker has had more time to well, overthink!
Some of what I’ve struggled with though has not been lockdown related. It’s been single mum related, it’s been I fought to protect my daughter related. You see, she’s growing up, she’s getting bigger, cleverer and more and more aware of the world around her. Which is wonderful, it’s amazing seeing her grow and flourish, but it’s also scary. As I wrote before in We are family she’s becoming more aware of our family set up and situation and it’s made some of my worries rest their ugly heads again.
Now, the thing is I’ve been a bit more honest with myself recently, which is actually making this really difficult to write. I want to say a lot but I hold back, for many different reasons and in someways it needs to come out but I’m not quite sure I’m there yet. I have been honest with myself though, my worries aren’t actually about how she feels, I know she feels loved and happy and loves our family set up and being surrounded by the people that love her. She adores our friends that are family, she loves her FaceTime antics with Uncle J and our Yankee family. She’s happy and content. But I’m not. I’m worried. And I think deep down I know I always will be.
I’m worried because I’m her mum yes, but it’s more than that. I’m her mum that fought so hard to protect her and keep her safe. I’m her mum that mustered up every ounce of strength I had to walk away and build her a safe and happy life and I will do all I can to ensure that safety and happy life remains. But there’s also only so much I can do. She’s only 3 at the moment, but little miss P will soon be older and making more of her own decisions and taking charge of her own life and I have to allow her to do that, stepping back gradually, teaching and guiding but allowing her to learn for herself. It’s scary. Because I don’t want her to fall victim to the mistakes I made but there’s only so much I can do to prevent that without wrapping her up in cotton wool and molly coddling her. Sounds like I’m thinking too far ahead doesn’t it? Well yes I am, but there’s also been small things that have happened and been said recently to cause that…plus I’m an over thinker (come on you MUST know me by now!) with extra time ok my hands.
Now, when I first became single almost 3 years ago now, a friend recommended I watch the Gilmore Girls, I know it’s an old series and very cheesy but I love a good American girly sitcom!! And actually it became a massive comfort, I knew instantly why it was recommended, a single mum and her daughter becoming the ultimate dream team. I read somewhere recently that when people are feeling anxious that telnet rewatch tv series that they’ve already seen because knowing what’s going to happen comforts them, so guess what, I’ve turned to the good old Gilmore Girls again and also another recommendation by a friend, Ginny and Georgia.
It’s been so good watching them, not just for the cheesy jokes and stereotypical romance stories that make me swoon, but also for the little reminders that me and little P are doing just great. Not just great, bloody awesome and that we are the dream team. Someone a couple of years ago said I gave the impression that my life was now me and P and that there wasn’t room for anyone else (yes it was a boy 🙄) and to a certain extent they were right, it is me and P but there is room for other people (ok maybe a boy too) but only the right ones, it’s me and P and anyone else that compliments and enhances our dynamic and that’s the way it should be. Most importantly though as I’ve been reminded by my recent tacky American sitcoms, we do have a bond that is unbreakable so yes in a way it is just me and P, she is my priority always will be, which should go without saying. Our bond is in fact stronger than mine and my mum’s and we know how close I am to Granny T, she’s my best friend, but little P’s even closer because it’s just the two of us and it has been since she was a baby. Whilst we will have times when we clash and fall out, nothing will break what we’ve got and I just need to chill out a bit and stop worrying…ok ok we know that’s not going to happen but at least my intentions are there!
So yeah it’s been tough and I’m worried about little P and how she’s going to keep responding and learning about our situation and set up and what it teaches her about her friendships and relationships with others as she grows up but I just need to remember that we’re not the first, we won’t be the last and that we’ll be ok, whatever happens we’ll both be ok. We’re not the Gilmore Girls but we are the M Girls.