So I set out to have a great Christmas this year. And well I did, despite being flu ridden for almost a week and needing to paint a red X on the door placing us all in quarantine. Toddler P had it then I got struck down just days before the big day. We’ve missed so many social engagements and play dates with friends. The table centre piece didn’t get made, the Christmas cake still isn’t decorated, mince pies not made, I cut corners with wrapping, running out of my handmade gift tags and failing to top up lots of my presents to others with homemade biscuits, cupcakes or handmade Christmas decs. Do I care, no, I’m disappointed I didn’t get to do those things because I enjoy doing them but was I going to enjoy doing them with a high temperature, aches and pains and a running nose (and I don’t think people would appreciate baked goods from such a germ ridden person!).

Yet I still enjoyed, I still enjoyed seeing toddler P’s face as she entered thing living room to a rocking horse and array of presents thinking that her childminder had brought them! I still enjoyed Aunty M and Uncle D doting on my little princess. I still enjoyed feeling loved and part of the festive season with my nearest and dearest. Yes I felt physically like crap and have struggled it even stand up and get out of bed the past couple days. Yes I had to forgo hosting and cooking and basically invited the mothership over for Christmas dinner only for her to cook by herself (I’ll make it up don’t worry). But most of all I enjoyed the calm and this was the first Christmas I’ve enjoyed for years.

Last year I was still wrapped up in the aftermath and depression of my failed marriage and reality of my relationship and what it had become. I was still in fear and recovering from the trauma of it all. I was too focused on coping. This year I enjoyed the run up, I revisited interests and things I enjoy like crafts, present shopping, gift giving, baking, cooking, socialising and all things festive. I revisited happiness and what I enjoy. I revisited Christmas films, Christmas music, laughter, friendship and putting my happiness first.

Despite being flu ridden, I enjoyed the peace and calm of Christmas. There were no arguments, there was no trending on eggshells, worry about upsets, family politics or trying to please others who didn’t have my best intentions at heart. I didn’t get hurt, I wasn’t made to feel guilty, depressed or lonely. In fact far from it, I felt so loved this year by family and friends, people offered to rally round and help knowing I was poorly. People turned up with kindness and well wishes. A friend brought some just because flowers to make me smile and feel loved. Friends sent kind words, Merryness (is that even a word?!?) and I felt less lonely than I have in a long time.

So even though I’m dosed up on day and night nurse, still in pjs having not left the house since the weekend. I’ve had a merry loving Christmas. It was the Christmas I needed, the first one since Poppa M died that I haven’t shed a tear for him because I was happy and able to think of him without crying. The first one as a single mum that I’ve genuinely loved, so much so that even having the terrible flu I’ve been able to enjoy.

Merry Christmas, everyone.