I did something really bold the other day.  Before I tell you what I need to add some context.  I’ve come along way on my journey, I’ve become much stronger, independent and confident, I’m not there yet and have a long way to go but I’m moving forward nicely.  Until recently, recent weeks and couple of months have been a bit more challenging, I guess I’ve hit the point of not wanting just to cope but to really start enjoying my life again.  I’ve hit the point where I don’t want to live in the drama and aftermath of my divorce and I want to move forward and focus on what I want and my happiness. I’ve hit the point where I wanted to have more of my sparkle back, more of my confidence and sass.  I put so much into surviving and overcoming the crap thrown at me that I forgot to focus on me.  I focused so much on being the best mum to toddler P ensuring she remained unaffected whilst still maintaining a good reputation and success at work, that I forgot about me.  This has lead to a bit of unravelling recently, a bit of a dip in my strong independent woman thriving persona.  It lead to a wobble and some teary moments with friends or the cry out for a bit of TLC from those that know and love me.

Then some epiphanies happened.  Some key moments.  A couple of small things happened and I had to put my guard back up, I had to dig back down to that inner strength of steel, be brave and say, “no, I won’t take your shit.” I had to remember my worth.  And in turn it put a spring back in my step (as did the over half a stone in weight that I’ve lost!!) and it’s lead to that twinkle being back in my eye and me having a bit more fun.

These small things lead to something big. Really pretty big.I made a bold a little bit spur of the moment decision and it was a massive step forward. I was involved in a workshop event at school that linked to my experience. Colleagues know some of what I went through but students don’t and on this day I told them, I shared with them what I went through, how I overcame it and how important it is for them to be brave, know their worth and stay safe.  It was brilliant, they listened, they applauded and know now they can turn to me if they need.  It made them realise the issue is real, that the statistics are real and that it can happen to anyone. It made them realise I was human and that I get it, I get how life can be hard sometimes and that I know they don’t always have it easy.  It made them realise that I get what it’s like to carry a burden around with you and paint on a smile as if everything is ok, when really inside your life feels like it’s falling apart. Most importantly it was a big turning point for me.

It made me realise I’m no longer hurt or upset by what I went through.  It made me realise that I’m not afraid to talk about it, I’m not bothered who knows, in fact it’s important people do so I can raise awareness and support for others.  It made me realise I’m not embarrassed, at one time I was, but now I’m not, I’m a survivor, I’m a warrior and I’m bloody well brave.  It made me realise, no one will ever hurt me again like that because I won’t allow them to.  It made me realise I do know my worth and I know that I’m bloody brilliant and that the people that matter will know that too and will take the time to enjoy my brilliance.  It made me realise that I’m not done with the issue yet because I’ll do more and more to prevent others from experiencing what I did.  I’ll do more to help and coach people into happiness and contentment.

A lifelong friend told me when I told him what I’d done that, that’s why I’m amazing. He told me he couldn’t think of a better person to prevent people for allowing themselves to be treated the way I was, he reminded me that I am still that crazy girl he used to hang out with everyday, I’m still that confident pain in the arse that he bloody loved growing into an adult with. He reminded me of how people like him have always seen my strength and my worth and they’ve always known I’d come out the other side.

It’s made me realise that I’ve never lost my sparkle, it just dims a little once in awhile, but that I’m still that sass pot that I see in toddler P.  I’m still confident, vivacious and I enjoy being so.  I just need to remember it once in awhile.  So don’t mess with me, after a short commercial break, I’m back with a vengeance, confidence, hair toss and high heeled strut in tow.