I was having a bit of a reminisce last night, I have a folder in my inbox of all the emails my dad ever sent. It’s a document of all our exchanges whilst he lived abroad. I don’t have the heart to delete them, I never will.
So last night I was reading through and I found some I’d forgotten about. It was a bit of a fall out and disagreement between us. Reading it a year on from my separation and 3 years since his passing, I noticed something different. He knew.
He knew what my relationship and marriage was like. He knew what I was going through, he knew it wasn’t right, he knew I deserved better and he knew it wouldn’t make me happy. He knew and he tried to stop me from making the mistake I made in accepting that treatment and staying. I never told him the full ins and outs, in fact I never told him anything. My dad wasn’t the one I turned to for advice or support, 9 times out of 10 I didn’t like what he had to say and I didn’t want to hear it. Now I finally noticed and realised that maybe he was more intuitive than I thought.
I suddenly have a respect for him I should’ve had a long time ago, I’ve alluded to the fact that sometimes my dad wasn’t the best dad to us, or husband to my mum. But I’ve always maintained that deep down he loved us and wanted what was best, that said I never really listened to him. His behaviour lost some respect from me, I loved him as my dad and we shared some very special moments and a strong bond. But I didn’t value his guidance or parenting a lot of the time. I suddenly now do. I now realise he was better than I thought and wanted me to realise what I was allowing was wrong. He wanted better for me, he wanted respect for me and he wanted love and happiness for me.
He knew and he tried to make me see in his own way, he didn’t push it, he knew he’d lose me if he fought too hard. So instead, he bit his tongue, he lead me down the aisle and quietly hoped I would see sense. I did but unfortunately he wasn’t here to see it.
But if he knew then, he’d know now.