In my last post I wrote about living in the moment. I talked about how to a certain extent I’d focused so much on surviving that I’d not actually managed to move on and be happy. I’ll also talked about feeling like I’d bypassed various things that had happened and not necessarily been the best friend/colleague/family member and wanting to enjoy those around me more.
Writing that post helped me a lot, it made me take stock and think and remember who and what was important. Over recent months I’ve been very wrapped up in myself and getting my divorce finalised. It’s been a constant stress and worry at the back of mind all the time as to whether or not I’m going to be able to keep my home and the logistics of finalising that with my ex-husband. Now this isn’t the forum to discuss that and what it entails as that’s not fair to me or him. However, the point I’m sort of trying to make is that in someways it’s fair enough that I’ve been somewhat distracted from other things. But I’m disappointed in the knock on effect it’s had on my and my life.
After writing last week’s post, it made me realise that completely unintentionally I’ve ended up distancing myself from friends, actually some of my closest, all in bid to not be lonely and ironically it’s make me lonely. I’ve ended up not doing several things that would make me happy whilst focusing doing stuff to make me happy. It’s only after taking a step back and taking stock I realised that I’ve let myself lose sight of what and who is important to me. I’ve been so set on concentrating on making me and my daughter happy that in someways I’ve done the opposite. Now don’t get me wrong, my daughter is happy, thriving and well looked after but I’ve concentrated so much on that, that I’ve forgotten about me a little. I’ve thrown myself into work and doing a good job after maternity leave that I’ve forgotten that I’m more than just a teacher and more than just a mum.
Now I’ve not fallen out with anyone important to me, there’s not been any bust ups, rows or arguments. Just like I’ve not let myself do me or baby P any harm, our house is still clean and tidy, we still have 3 healthy meals a day. I guess I’ve just been faking it a bit. I’ve done daft stuff like not rang or text good friends, I’ve cancelled last minute coffees or just made my excuses for social events sometimes-not always mind but sometimes. Sometimes reasons have been genuine and fair enough (poorly child or whatever) and sometimes I’ve forced myself to go and been glad in the end that I did, but sometimes I’ve just avoided it or been too wrapped up in my own issues that I’ve let time run away with me and it’s been weeks or months since I last checked in with people to see how they are. Or it’s been weeks since I last had work out, went for a run, did some cross stitching or ready book just for fun.
I made a bucket list post split or the things I enjoyed doing and missed doing, that I’d unintentionally given up throughout my marriage. A year on I’m looking at that bucket list and some of it I’ve dabbled in but I’ve not yet fully immersed myself in it. In someways I’m still living in the misery I was in before minus the person that made me unhappy. It’s like I’m not letting go fully, I’m not remembering what is important to me and giving it the attention it deserves.
Yet these things are rectifiable. I’ve just got to force myself to not fall into the trap I have been. I can build back up the friendships I’ve allowed to falter and I can re-start the hobbies and activities I’ve dropped off. It’s just going to take some effort on my part. It means a quick phone call or text to check how someone is, it means dragging myself round for a cuppa even if something invisible seems to be blocking the doorway. It means forcing myself to work out and go for a run even if I only end up doing it for ten minutes. It means picking up the sewing bag and digging out my needle and thread even if I can’t be arsed. Because all this is better than allowing myself to wallow. Because of these things and these people are more important than waiting for a piece of paper that tells me I’m divorced and it’s all finished.
It’s just words and a piece of paper I’m essentially waiting for and in reality the practicalities of my life won’t change. It’ll just been a feeling that’s different, it’ll just be an internal knowledge. The people and the things going on now are what matters, they’re the things that matter the most because they’re the things that I want to still be around once that piece of paper lands on my doorstep.
So I’m starting it now, in little baby steps. I’m starting to ensure I focus on the people, the activities and the events that will make me happy. I’m pouring my attention back into the things and the people that deserve it and need it. I’m remembering what matters most to me.