Tonight is the night before the night away. The night before I have the first night out since I found out I was pregnant (or at least the first night out where I can actually enjoy a prosecco or 10!). Only it’s not like the night before Christmas, instead of being full of excitement and giddy preparations, it’s full of nervous restless energy and anxiety.
You see, separation anxiety is the issue, I’ve never left Baby P before, well that’s a lie, I’ve nipped out to the gym or supermarket for an hour or so and since she was just over 3 months old I’ve spent just over 2hrs per week back at dancing class. But I’ve never left her for longer than that, I’ve done the odd K.I.T day at work and had an afternoon at a funeral but I’ve never been gone for an extended period time and I’ve always been there for putting her to bed. So I’m approaching this one night with apprehension. It’s a friends hen do, in another city, 2hrs away, making it an overnight stay and roughly a full 24hrs away from her. Naturally, this leaves me feeling nervous.
I’ve never wanted to leave her before, especially not in the 3months, otherwise known as the fourth trimester I wasn’t ready and she wasn’t, it was too early, we needed each other. She needed me, she needed mummy close, to help her feel safe secure and settled. I needed her close, I was learning about her, loving her, enjoying her and I needed to know she was feeling safe, secure, loved and settled. Now though she’s almost months, bigger, stronger and a lot more bossy! She’s changing, growing and developing a personality, making her more like a mini human than a newborn baby. Now, is a better time to be going on such an expedition.
Truth be told, I don’t really want to leave her now and I’m not sure either of us are ready. You see this separation anxiety is something we both have, she’s still adjusting to the big bad world and is suffering with teething at the moment and to be perfectly honest, any baby issue aside, she just sometimes wants mummy and nothing else will do. And that’s where my separation anxiety comes in, will she be ok without me? Is she just going to want me and no-one or nothing else? Truth be told she’ll be fine and it’s me that’s suffering with separation anxiety.
Naturally, there’s loads of irrational worries going through my mind such as, will daddy wake up for her in the night? Will she let him rock her off to sleep? But deep down I know all of her needs will be lovingly taken care of by Daddy. I’m lucky in that he’s a hands on Dad and tends to her along with me everyday anyway and so nothing will really feel any different to her, only my absence. However, that’s the one thing he cannot fix, he can love her, feed her, comfort her, put her to sleep, change her, dress her, wash her, play with her, but he can’t be me. And that’s what worries me. What if she just wants me? Deep down I know that if that’s the case, Daddy will do his best to comfort her and she will calm and succumb to calm and sleep etc without me and within 24hrs I’ll be home to give her me and my mummy cuddles.
It’s also the element control I’ll be losing, I have to put my trust in others when leaving her. Now I know I’m leaving her with Daddy and obviously we share the same parenting principles and ideas-hence why we have a baby together, so although he does things slightly different to me and in his own way, it’s to achieve the same outcome and results. Yet, I still feel a bit like I’m losing control, like I’m leaving everything in his hands and that for those 24hrs all decisions on him. Which they are but they’re not life changing ones, it’s only whether or not she’s due a feed, nap, nappy change or of some medicine is required for teething etc. It’s not like he’s got decide her education and future without me, yet I’m still apprehensive at this lack of control. This is just probably me, my obsession with organisation and hatred of how Daddy will mess up her categorised clothing drawers, and changing gear boxes/stations around the house (the wipes from the changing bag end being the downstairs wipes and then the downstairs wipes end up being the upstairs wipes and the spare pack in my handbag just disappear and my efficient system goes out the window!). So realistically this element of worry just tells me I need to think and worry less, lighten the hell up and try to use the same obsessive organisation to sort out the crap we’ve hidden under the stairs, in the loft and in the garage!!
I’m now feeling a lot calmer! Getting it down in writing has really helped me rationalise my concerns. Baby P will be fine, Daddy loves her as much as me and knows what to do and does all these things alongside me and with me all the time and if she does just want me, then she’ll have me as soon as I get back. Therefore, I’m now logging off to hit the land of nod ready for some serious hen do action tomorrow. It’ll do me good to remember who I was before I became a mum-that me is still in there somewhere.