When I started this blog I outlined a couple of rules/guidelines to myself, one of which was not to use bad language (I didn’t think it fair/appropriate to swear in a post). Today is an exception, I feel it necessary to curse! This is because losing a parent is shit, really fucking shit! It’s so shit and it makes me feel angry, really deep down horribly angry, the kind you feel burning in your gut and bubbling right up to your forehead. The kind that makes every muscle tense and your teeth grit so hard you think they’ll shatter. This is probably why I’m wearing a gum sheild to bed in order to ease my tension headaches, however that’s a whole other post!
I’m angry with my Dad, I’m angry that he didn’t look after himself better, putting his health higher on his priority list, reducing his risk of the hereditary heart conditions in our family. I’m angry that he didn’t think my brother and I needed him anymore, he thought because we were grown up, self sufficient and embarking on growing our own families that we didn’t need him anymore. Truth is we’ll always need him, just because your physical dependence grows away from your parents, your mental and emotional need doesn’t and I’m angry that he couldn’t see that. I’m angry that he didn’t fight to live longer and I’m angry that he’s left us.
I’m angry with things around me. I’m angry that it’s all carrying on as normal, because life goes on…only it doesn’t or at least not for me and definitely not for my Dad and that makes me angry. Really angry, how can the world carry on, how can people expect me or anything else to carry on?! Why does it have to? I’m angry that the world and things can’t just stop for awhile, go on hold and wait for me to catch up.
I’m angry with people, even though they’ve done nothing wrong at all. I’m angry with those that ask if I’m ok, say or do nice supportive things and show me they care. I’m angry that they’re having to do that. Yet ironically, I’m angry that some people don’t say or do anything with regards to my grief, that they tactically ignore it for whatever reason. I’m angry with the advice they give, whether I find it useful or not, I’m angry because it’s having to be said to me. Truth is I’m angry because no matter how people behave, speak to or treat me, it won’t change anything, it won’t make the feelings go away and it won’t bring him back.
I’m angry with myself, I’m not myself at all at the moment, I’m angry that I can’t focus and concentrate. I’m angry that I’ve lost my motivation for things. I’m angry that I can’t snap out of this. I’m angry that I sometimes can’t stop crying but then again I’m angry that sometimes I can’t start. I’m angry that I’m so tired and yet I can’t sleep, at 2-4hrs per night I’m like a car running on empty!! I’m angry that I have good times and can still laugh and be ok sometimes. I’m angry that I’ve seen that I can manage without him. I’m angry that I can smile, laugh and enjoy myself and then come crashing down like a tonne of bricks. I’m angry with the emotional roller coaster that I have to go through.
I’m angry at the world, I’m angry with life. I’m angry that it had to happen and that it had to happen to me, to my brother, my mum, my nephews and my Dad. I’m angry that it had to be my Dad and I’m angry that it had to be now. I’m angry that I have to learn to cope with not having him here. I’m angry that this is all a part of life and that we have to go through it. I’m angry that I can’t change or undo it.
I’m angry that I have to see my family learning to cope with this. I’m angry that I have to see other people ok when I’m not.
I’m angry that I’m angry. I’m angry that this has made me feel so grumpy, irritable, frustrated, hurt and sad. The more I feel it, the more I get annoyed with myself. I’m angry when this anger comes out but I’m also angry when I’m able to control it and surpress it and keep it under wraps so noone knows I’m feeling it.
Apparently this is a normal emotion to go through during grief, but when does it go away? How does it go away? I know there’s no answer to that, from anyone, for anyone which probably fuels my anger even more, but I have to acknowledge that the anger is there. More importantly I have to find a way to channel the anger, I have to find a way to deal with it, I can’t figure those out yet, but at least I know I need to. For now, I’ll just write it down on here and then one day I’ll learn to cope with it. I’ll just keep writing as I learn to cope.
Because it’s all about learning to cope.